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March 21, 2005
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Chimp attacks are comedy gold. Groin injuries are comedy platinum. This story is a comedy alloy I've dubbed "goldinum". |
We don't run beautiful, positive, life-affirming stories
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION (LWN exclusive)
Ed: Good news, people. We're not getting fired this week, so what have you got for me?
Arthur: Jesus-scented candles!
Ed: All right. Maria?
Maria: Instant building, just add water!
Ed: Nice. Georgiania?
Georgiania: Wood-paneled computers!
Ed: Kitchy. Bruce?
Bruce: A chimp attack!
*Chorus of groans*
Ed: Bruce, is this the same chimp attack story I've shot down two weeks in a row?
Bruce: A good reporter is persistent, chief.
Arthur: So what's your excuse?
Ed: We've been over this, Bruce. That story just isn't funny. The poor guy really got hurt, and we only run stories about people who really get hurt if they really deserve it.
Maria: Or if they're celebrities.
Ed: Well, sure, that's what I just said.
Bruce: That's why I want to run this story. Digging further, I discovered that Mr. Davis is a former NASCAR driver. As a sports figure, he qualifies for the full celebrity treatment.
Maria: If only you think driving qualifies as a sport.
Ed: Maria, be nice. Bruce, I'm still not running your story. Mr. Davis might be a celebrity racer but he's also a compassionate animal lover. While in Africa 35 years ago for a race he saved a baby chimp whose mother was killed by poachers. Davis and his wife were childless and treated that chimp like a member of the family until city officials took him away and put him in an animal sanctuary.
Georgiania: Does anyone have a tissue? *sniff-sniff* That's such a beautiful, positive, life-affirming story!
Ed: Which is exactly why we can't run it. Besides, it's too much like Speed Racer.
Disclaimer: This story probably isn't true, names have been changed, and any quotes are most likely made up.
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