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March 08, 2005
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I didn't actually see "Catwoman", but with a former Academy Award winner in the title role I was surprised it didn't at least get nominated. |
Disappointment for "Million Dollar Baby"
HOLLYWOOD, California (LWN Exclusive) -- The cast and crew of boxing movie "Million Dollar Baby" were shocked and disappointed at last week's Academy Awards ceremony as their film earned 20% fewer Oscars than "The Aviator", the tale of an eccentric businessman in the airline industry, not unlike Virgin Atlantic's Richard Branson.
"Yes, I am disappointed that 'Million Dollar Baby' came up short," said best director winner, Clint Eastwood. "It's all on me. I served as director, producer, lead actor, and composed the musical score, but maybe if I'd also done some of the stunt work for [co-star] Hilary [Swank]... That might have lifted our film over the competition, even if I would've looked silly with a wig and fake boobs."
Adding insult to Eastwood's injury was an honorary award given to fellow director Sidney Lumet. "That was a real slap in the face," said Eastwood. "I was the oldest director, at age 74, to ever receive an Oscar. A few minutes later they dropped that bogus lifetime achievement thing into Sid's 80-year-old hands. What honor is there for me in being the second-oldest director to win an Oscar?"
Morgan Freeman was seen kicking himself in the green room after accepting his award for best supporting actor for the role of Eddie "Scrap-Iron" Dupris. "Why, why, why, why, why was my award-winning performance wasted in such an underachieving movie?" Freeman slammed his head against the wall before adding, "Thanks so much for destroying an entire year of my acting life, Mr. Eastwood."
Nearby, best actress winner Hilary Swank struggled to maintain her composure in an interview with a reporter from the Eee!!! entertainment network. "I don't know what I did in this life to deserve all this," she said, on the verge of tears. "I'm just a girl from a trailer park who dreamed of acting in the most honored movie of the year. Now that dream has been brutally crushed for the second time in five years!" Swank paused to wipe her eyes and blow her nose. "No, don't turn off the camera. I'll be all right."
"At least this was better than last time," Swank added, referring to her win for best actress in 2000 for "Boys Don't Cry". It was that movie's only Oscar in a year when "The Matrix" won four awards and "American Beauty" won five. "I mean come on! Something called 'Topsy-Turvy' won twice as many Oscars as ["Boys Don't Cry"]. Was that even shown in theaters? I don't remember seeing any ads."
Chris Rock summed up the results of this year's ceremony in a humorous and surprisingly G-rated monologue. "'Aviator' and 'Million Dollar Baby' are like two dudes working at the Gap. At the end of the day, Mr. Aviator has 100% of his money in the cash drawer, but 'Million Dollar Baby' only has 80%. That kind of thing gets you fired, am I right?"
Winners from "The Aviator" earned unprecedented treatment all night long. While "Million Dollar Baby's" Eastwood, Swank, and Freeman had to tromp to the stage to receive their awards, winners from "The Aviator" got statuettes delivered to their seats.
"Oh no, don't get up," called comically mismatched presenters Mary-Kate Olsen and Kirstie Alley to Cate Blanchett, upon the announcement of her win for best supporting actress. "Just sit back, put your feet up, and have some more peeled grapes. Tonight is all about you and everyone else who worked on 'The Aviator'."
Hard as it may be to believe, some other films did even worse than "Million Dollar Baby". "Ray", the bio-pic about music legend Ray Charles, won two awards, ranking it only half as good as "Million Dollar Baby" or 40% as good as "The Aviator". Disney's CGI-animated "The Incredibles" also managed only two awards.
Winning a disgraceful one Oscar each were "The Sea Inside", "The Motorcycle Diaries", "Finding Neverland", "Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events", "Spider-Man 2", "Sideways", "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", the documentary "Born into Brothels", short documentary "Mighty Times: The Children's March", and short films "Ryan" and "Wasp".
According to the Academy, no other award-worthy movies were released in all of 2004.
Disclaimer: This story probably isn't true, names have been changed, and any quotes are most likely made up.
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