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April 21, 2005
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And so, the aging big-eared prince kissed the adulterous divorcee and turned her into a princess. And they lived happily ever after, the end. |
Future king's past wife haunts fairytale wedding
LONDON, England (after Reuters) -- Supernaturalists based in the United Kingdom suspect that the ghost of Princess Diana has developed startling new powers in the afterlife which she is using to haunt her former husband, Prince Charles.
Since her death in 1997, Diana's spirit has made frequent manifest appearances to Charles and other members of the Royal Family. The spirit has also proven adept at making hexes, according to Judy Wade, who tracks royal spooks and specters for Hello? Hello? I Say, Is There Anybody There? magazine.
"Sometimes during a public appearance, the air around Prince Charles will grow noticeably colder. Then, suddenly, Charles will jump and look around as if he's just had his ear flicked by a pair of invisible fingers. It makes the prince seem twitchy and anxious on camera, to the point where most Britons aren't sure this man is quite sane. Personally, I don't believe Diana's ghost will rest until Charles abdicates his claims to the throne in favor of Diana's firstborn son, William."
Wade claims the ghostly princess has also terrorized Charles's longtime mistress and current bride, Camilla Parker Bowles. "There have been reports of objects levitating in the Parker Bowles household and blood dripping from the walls. We know Diana is responsible because the unexplained events are always accompanied by barking sounds. In life, Diana referred to Camilla as 'The Rottweiler' and once sent her a box of Milkbones as a gag gift. And to this day, doggie biscuits magically appear in Camilla's Christmas stocking each December 25th."
When Charles and Camilla announced their wedding plans, jealous rage is said to have pushed Diana's supernatural powers to a level rarely seen among the non-living. With her new powers unleashed, Diana was able to change the couple's plans of a lavish fairytale wedding into an untelevised civil ceremony of questionable legality.
"Queen Elizabeth is terrified by Diana's ghost," Wade acknowledged. "The Queen even missed her own son's wedding lest she tempt Diana's wrath. Elizabeth's spiritual advisors believe that Diana's ghost hastened the death of the John Paul II to ensure that Charles' and Camilla's wedding day would be marred by a gigantic funeral. That would mean each and every one of us lives or dies only at Diana's ghostly whim, making her a powerful force indeed."
So far, the tabloid reporters who hounded Diana in life and contributed to her death have been wary of reporting on her out-of-the-grave activities. "There's a sense of dread in the news establishment," said Daily Mirror royal reporter James Whitaker. "Right now, Diana's ghost is focused on avenging her failed marriage. She seems to blame Charles and Camilla for this, but it's only a matter of time before she remembers the major role the press had in making her life so short and miserable.
"When that day comes, Fleet Street will run red with the blood of paparazzi."
Disclaimer: This story probably isn't true, names have been changed, and any quotes are most likely made up.
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