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April 22, 2005
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Looking at the Food Pyramid made me hungry, but thankfully there was a hotdog stand nearby. |
Government unveils edible food pyramids
WASHINGTON, D.C. (after CNN) -- Rising 650 feet above the National Mall stands one of twelve rainbow-colored "food pyramids" unveiled by the U.S. Agriculture Department last week. The pyramids are composed entirely of a substance designed to provide humans with an optimally balanced diet of vitamins, starches, proteins, and fats.
"This gigantic edible structure is just one element of a system aimed at making people slimmer and healthier," said Eric Hentges, director of the Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion. "Also we have designed a Food Pyramid website at mypyramid.gov, from which T-shirts, mugs, and calendars may be purchased. And for $14.95, you can have your picture taken from the Capitol steps with the Food Pyramid in the background."
Nutrition experts lauded the new Food Pyramid as a major improvement over a previous version which only existed on paper. "It makes a difference, having the Food Pyramid in front of you full-sized and in three dimensions," said LWN nutrition consultant Alvin Smithee. "In addition to the nutritional message, citizens are encouraged to run up and down the sides of the pyramid to promote exercise and cardiovascular health. You couldn't do that with the old pyramid."
On the day of the pyramid's introduction, D.C. residents and tourists braved long lines to nibble at the northwest (or "strawberry-flavored") corner of the structure. Reaction ranged from gagging to tepid lip-smacking. "Needs salt," one pyramid taster reported.
Over the next year, eleven more Food Pyramids will be built in metropolitan areas across the country.
Disclaimer: This story probably isn't true, names have been changed, and any quotes are most likely made up.
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