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April 29, 2005
Seeya later, aligator
To put this animal's massive size in perspective, a two-thousand pound crocodile is larger than 39 fifty-pound elephants and a toy poodle.
April 28, 2005
LWN Emergency Meeting
The phenomenon of exploding toads may be the result of a scientific project to produce a bomb that catches flies.
April 27, 2005
How big is the new Airbus A380 megajumbo jet?
The enormous jet then collapsed under the weight of its own gravity, forming a singularity.
April 26, 2005
Time traveler attends "once in a lifetime event" for the third time
The Time Traveler Convention, if successful, will be held again at exactly the same time.
April 25, 2005
IKEA criticized for male-only comics
Opening of the new IKEA was delayed until workers could locate a 30-ton Allen wrench.
April 22, 2005
Government unveils edible food pyramids
Looking at the Food Pyramid made me hungry, but thankfully there was a hotdog stand nearby.
April 21, 2005
Future king's past wife haunts fairytale wedding
And so, the aging big-eared prince kissed the adulterous divorcee and turned her into a princess. And they lived happily ever after, the end.
April 20, 2005
Anonymous donations puzzle local museums
The museum also found a Jackson Pollack-inspired installation in the media of feces and urine had been donated to one of the walls in the 3rd floor women's restroom. It is being appraised by a local auction house.
April 19, 2005
The Burger King's phat new sandwich
For patrons unable to open their jaws wide enough to eat Burger King's new Enormous Omelet Sandwich, the item will also come in a suppository form.
April 18, 2005
Colorado detectors save lives
Colorado detectors also prevent snow and block reruns of the Boulder-based TV series "Mork & Mindy."
April 15, 2005
I'll huff and I'll puff...
The "just add water" building improves on a previous version for which users would "just add bricks and mortar."
April 14, 2005
Car runs on air, news network runs on petrochemical ads
The only drawback of a car that runs on air is having to blow it up again every 500 feet.
April 13, 2005
Apple Jack life-cycle enters new phase
In a related story, the marshmallow bits in Lucky Charms don't taste anything like orange stars, blue moons, green clovers, or purple horseshoes.
April 12, 2005
The Future of Death
Terri's Law II will direct the federal courts to keep everyone alive forever by any means available.
April 11, 2005
Bruce Jipson, Senior Anchor
I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to-- Oh, look. Here's another story about monkeys!
April 08, 2005
National Geographic debunks photo of giant pig, tiny man
Hogzilla will play opposite Shelob in an all-monster remake of Charlotte's Web.
April 07, 2005
Prosecutor: "Blake is a bad man and the jury's a bunch of doody-heads"
Have you heard the one about the stupid jury? They had to invite an alternate into the deliberation room in order to count to thirteen!
April 06, 2005
Protests erupt outside volcano film screening
Responding to the demand for creationist-friendly IMAX films, Mel Gibson will be producing The Passion of Isaac Newton.
April 05, 2005
Why yes, we are still bitter
The law school hiring committee apparently confused former senator John Edwards with the famous TV psychic.
April 04, 2005
Our New Name
I don't mind that the company's changing its name, but what am I supposed to do with all these business cards?
April 01, 2005
Retractions: March 2005
Some of the stories we told in March weren't completely misleading or inaccurate, but not even we can be perfect all the time.