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May 11, 2005
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It seems that al-Qaeda also has a "don't ask, don't tell" recruitment policy. |
Terror wears a dress
MARDAN, Pakistan (Based on a True Story) -- The tranquil routine of this tiny town near the Afghan border was shattered last week when residents learned that five of their purportedly-female neighbors were actually a cell of cross-dressing al-Qaeda terrorists with links to Osama bin Laden.
"They were always such nice girls," said a shocked resident who lived next door to the international terror team. "They'd spend their afternoons gardening, sitting on rocking chairs on the front porch, field stripping Russian-made assault rifles, discussing jihad, and installing communications equipment along the roof of their house. You know, women's work. In retrospect, I should have been suspicious of their deep voices. That and their habit of stabbing to death and eviscerating the corpse of any man who dared to whistle as they walked past a construction site."
After years unhindered operations, the trans-gendered terror team was finally captured by an elite squad of cross-dressing Pakistani soldiers led by a male CIA operative with field-issue lipstick and a preference for being called "Sally Jane".
"It was just another day in Mardan," said one witness to the arrest. "The street was full of tall women in head-to-toe burkas and combat boots. Two of the women sat in a black van with a satellite dish on top. One was up on a telephone pole, looking like she was fixing something. One was sitting outside a shop, begging for spare change. I had no reason to suspect they were all undercover officers. They had everybody fooled!
"Then [alleged Al Qaeda number-three man] Abu Farj al-Libbi emerged from the house--only I didn't know it was al-Libbi at the time, of course. He was wearing a lovely blue and white burka with a red fringe. It's very trendy among the ladies this season.
"Al-Libbi got on his motorcycle-- Or should I say her motorcycle? I'm never sure of the politically correct pronoun to use in this instance. I'll just say that al-Libbi got onto a motorcycle that belonged to him- or herself and rode it into a graveyard. And that's when the officers made their move.
"Two of the burka-wearing officers got on their motorcycles and started chasing al-Libbi through the graveyard shouting things like, 'Give it up, scumbag!' and 'Pull the vehicle to the side of the mortuary, scuzzball!' That's when I first started to suspect they were men in disguise. I don't know how women talk in the United States, but here in Pakistan they would never use such filthy language.
"Then there was a gun battle, teargas canisters, a 45-minute stand-off, some arrests, and all that. I didn't watch the whole thing. When I learned there were no actual women involved it got boring and I lost interest."
Criminologists believe this is the first time cross-dressing criminals have been captured by cross-dressing lawmen since J. Edgar Hoover arrested Chicago mobster Tony "Short Skirt" Mulroni.
Disclaimer: This story probably isn't true, names have been changed, and any quotes are most likely made up.
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