LWN » Future

May 16, 2005

The Future of Newspapers

LOS ANGELES, California (Based on a Questionable Source) -- The date is October 17, 2016. It's a Monday.

Harold is the production editor for The Daily Newspaper. The newspaper does not need a more descriptive name because, after decades of industry consolidation, it is the only newspaper remaining on Earth. And on Mars as well.

Harold's watch alarm goes off at five minutes past the hour. It's time to print the newspaper.

Harold threads a roll of blank grey paper into the printing press. The press is the only one of its kind remaining in the state. The roll of paper is also the only one of its kind remaining in the state. Harold reminds himself to order another roll.

Harold presses a button to download the day's news from the editorial server. Harold presses a button to typeset the news. Harold presses a button to print a single copy of the newspaper. Harold presses a button to order a new roll of blank grey paper.

It's ten minutes past the hour, and Harold is finished his work for the day.

Louise is the distribution manager for The Daily Newspaper. She arrives at quarter past the hour on her bicycle. Even if gas-powered cars were still allowed on the streets, Louise would not drive one. It's not because she wants to help stop global warming, and it's not because of the high cost of gasoline. It's because Louise is only twelve and doesn't have a driver's license yet.

Louise places the entire day's print run into the basket on the front of her bicycle. It's only one copy. There's still room in the basket for her GameGirl, jPod, and mobile vidphone. Louise gets on her bike and pedals down the street.

Louise looks into the basket as she pedals. "Train wreck in India," is the newspaper's top headline. "17 dead, possible terror links, investigation ongoing at press time." A news banner on her mobile vidphone reads, "Train wreck hoax perpetrated by naughty child. No supper and early bedtime will be imposed." News moves fast in 2016. It's twenty minutes past the hour and the printed newspaper is hopelessly out of date.

Louise cycles past the home of her customer. She tosses the entire day's print run onto the front lawn. It lands in a puddle. A robot servant brings the newspaper inside and dries it with a hairdryer. It's twenty-five minutes past the hour, and Louise is on her way home.

Mr. Johnson accepts the newspaper from his robotic servant. Mr. Johnson scans the sports scores and then turns to the comics. Garfield is back, Mr. Johnson notes with satisfaction. Mr. Johnson's call to the ombudsman had coaxed the artist out of retirement. As the last remaining subscriber to the last remaining newspaper, Mr. Johnson's requests carry disproportionate clout.

"Not funny," Mr. Johnson states, as Garfield eats a pan of lasagna in the fourth panel. Mr. Johnson makes a mental note to call the newspaper and ask them to drop the strip.

A collection envelope falls out of The Daily Newspaper as Mr. Johnson reads. He ignores it, like all the rest. Mr. Johnson is four weeks behind in his subscription. That night, an automated system calls Mr. Johnson during dinner to remind him of the overdue bill. "How dare you interrupt my meatloaf!" Mr. Johnson shouts. "Cancel my subscription and don't ever bother me again!"

The date is October 18, 2016. It's a Tuesday.

Harold is the former production editor for The Daily Newspaper. His resume is on file with Monster.com.

Louise is the former distribution manager for The Daily Newspaper. She gets an extra half hour of sleep before school.

Mr. Johnson is a former subscriber of The Daily Newspaper. His robot servant has given him a copy of last Thursday's edition. Mr. Johnson scans the sports scores and reads the comics. He doesn't remember that he's cancelled his subscription.

Kelsey is a driver for FedEx. He's trying to deliver a roll of blank grey paper to the newspaper office. There's nobody left to sign for it.

Disclaimer: This story probably isn't true, names have been changed, and any quotes are most likely made up.

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Comments

Posted by: Harold J. Johnson at May 16, 2005 09:59 AM

Posted by: tem2 at May 16, 2005 12:27 PM

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