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June 30, 2005
Lorna Swansong, Entertainment Reporter
Let me tell you something about Baby Moffet. I know Baby Moffet. I was Baby Moffet. And Thamantha Thmithee...you're no Baby Moffet!
June 29, 2005
Retailers jump on Grokster ruling, blame everyone for customer thefts
Under Wal-Mart's interpretation of the Grokster ruling, anyone who helps a shoplifter is themselves a shoplifter.
June 28, 2005
US Supreme Court demands virgin sacrifice at full moon
The ancient Romans also forbid displays of the Ten Commandments inside the courtrooms of the time.
June 27, 2005
Cowardly stranger-phobic Utah boy rescued
When I was that age, my father also taught me not to talk to strangers. Talking makes it that much harder to steal their wallets.
June 24, 2005
Saddam Hussein tortured with clean underwear and Froot Loops
Saddam got to know his young American guards and even offered dating advice. His upcoming advice column, "Ask a Deposed Iraqi Dictator," will be syndicated in 350 newspapers worldwide.
June 23, 2005
CIA chief too busy to catch bin Laden
Other secrets Porter Goss has been meaning to tell include the whereabouts of Jimmy Hoffa, the true assassin of John F. Kennedy, and the secret formula for Coca Cola.
June 22, 2005
Mike Tyson really bites
When Mike Tyson was two years old and biting the ears off his favorite teddy bear, his parents thought the boy might be teething. "No, I'm therious," Tyson corrected them.
June 21, 2005
Two helicopters disappear into mysterious East River Triangle
The East River Triangle is similar to the famed Bermuda Triangle, but not as much fun to swim in.
June 20, 2005
LWN apologizes to Michael Jackson
FYI, this isn't a real LWN staff meeting. It's a transcript-based reinactment on the E! entertainment network.
June 17, 2005
Terri Schiavo's parents disregard autopsy report, remain hopeful
Sometimes a news story just won't die. Even when you unplug the news feeds, it just lingers on and on and on...
June 16, 2005
Parody archbishop slams parody website
And then the Archbishop of Canterbury said: "No, I was talking to the duck!" Bwahaha! Bwahaha! Bwahahahaha!
(We are so going to hell for this story.)
June 15, 2005
Adopted man learns he is a demonic prince
Strangely enough, Damien Smith's fifth grade teacher always suspected the boy was half demon.
June 14, 2005
Hidden dangers associated with giant steps, walking on the Moon
In addition to sudden proton storms, other dangers of walking on the Moon include inadequate sunscreen, a lack of oxygen, and spontaneous Sting concerts.
June 13, 2005
Michael Jackson programs a computer virus
Michael Jackson's computer virus only infects operating systems that are between eight and twelve years old.
June 10, 2005
College records reveal Kerry and Bush the same person
Kerry's perceived intellectual edge lost him votes from all the people who like to feel like they know more about how to run the free world than the leader of the free world.
June 09, 2005
Jail prepped for Jackson
Michael Jackson's request to serve his sentence in juvenile prison was declined.
June 08, 2005
Ambivalence toward Coldplay physically impossible
Liam Gallagher refused to talk to us about 'X&Y,' insisting that we'd once again confused Coldplay with Oasis. What a kidder!
June 07, 2005
The Future of Comet Catalina
I'll have a supersized glass of destruction, please. With extra ice!
June 06, 2005
We follow a code of ethics
If they really wanted me to follow a code of ethics, they wouldn't have written it in code.
June 03, 2005
Deep Throat comes clean, now that most people no longer care
New methods of tonsil-based identification meant the end of Deep Throat's secret identity.
June 02, 2005
LWN refuses to identify anonymous source as Jason Bollinger
Ed's so dumb, he thinks an anonymous source is something you put on spaghetti.
June 01, 2005
Retractions: May 2005
We were just full of it this month. The "it" in question being "a lax approach to accuracy in our reporting".