|
|
|
|
June 29, 2005
|
Under Wal-Mart's interpretation of the Grokster ruling, anyone who helps a shoplifter is themselves a shoplifter. |
Retailers jump on Grokster ruling, blame everyone for customer thefts
WASHINGTON, D.C. (Based on a true story) -- A recent Supreme Court ruling, holding Internet file-sharing services responsible for the copyright infringement of their customers, threatens to open the floodgates to a new wave of vicarious liability lawsuits. The first such suit was filed just this week.
Retail giants Wal-Mart and Target are suing five manufacturers of oversized handbags of the kind often used to facilitate shoplifting. "There's no reason for a woman to have a purse that large unless she's planning to fill it with stolen electronics," said a Wal-Mart spokesman at a joint press conference. "Really there's no reason for a woman to have a purse at all. Or even pockets."
"We're also going after Nike, Converse, Adidas, and other companies that sell sneakers," said the Target representative. "Why else would anyone wear athletic footwear to a department store except to outrun security personnel?"
"Or to sneak quietly past the checkout counter," the Wal-Mart spokesman added.
"Right. Which is why we require all customers to go barefoot in the thumbtack-strewn area in front of every exit. And since things are still going missing, we're also suing the thumbtack company."
"Our suit also includes all major car manufacturers whose vehicles seem to exist for no other purpose than to transport shoplifters to our stores."
"And we're suing the fast food industry for encouraging people to become so obese."
The Wal-Mart spokesman blinked at his Target counterpart. "Okay, I give up. What does obesity have to do with shoplifting?"
The Target representative smiled. "With so many obese customers around, it becomes that much easier for a thin customer to stuff articles of stolen clothing under an oversized shirt."
"Brilliant! Is there anyone we're not suing?"
"Yes. At the moment we're not suing a small manufacturer in Taiwan whose only product is a tiny screw used in eyeglass frames. So far we've not been able to blame them for our shoplifting problems, but we're confident that we will. Oh yes, we will!"
Disclaimer: This story probably isn't true, names have been changed, and any quotes are most likely made up.
|
|
|
|
|
Trackback Pings
TrackBack URL for this entry:
http://gfishbone.com/mt-tb.cgi/228