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June 21, 2005
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The East River Triangle is similar to the famed Bermuda Triangle, but not as much fun to swim in. |
Two helicopters disappear into mysterious East River Triangle
NEW YORK CITY, New York (Based on a true story) -- The East River Triangle claimed more victims last week when a Sikorsky S-76 helicopter vanished without a trace shortly after take-off last Friday. This followed the disappearance of another helicopter last Tuesday in the same mysterious region off the coast of New York City.
"We are urging all citizens to stay out of the East River Triangle for their own safety," said Mayor Michael Bloomberg. "Especially if you're flying a helicopter."
The East River Triangle is an isosceles-shaped area defined by vertices at Manhattan's Battery Park, Hal's Pizzeria in Brooklyn, and Cell Block D on Rikers Island. A large number of people, including prominent mob informants, have disappeared into the East River Triangle over the years.
"The East River Triangle is a misnomer," said noted New York City historian Wanda Breakwater. "The so-called river is actually a tidal estuary, so the area should rightly be called the So-Called-East-River-is-Actually-a-Tidal-Estuary Triangle. The New York City Society of Pedants has been lobbying to change the name for years."
Located within the triangle is the Brooklyn Bridge, which racked up 27 worker fatalities during its construction. Twelve more people were crushed in a stampede during the unfortunately-located bridge's first month of operation. A number of ships and aircraft have also been lost into the triangle, but never before have so many helicopters gone missing is such a short span of time.
"We believe these vanishing choppers can only mean that an ancient helicopter-eating monster has been awakened deep under the water," said Patrick O'Fee, editor of Ancient Monster Magazine. "Horribly mutated by pollution, the monster will continue to feed on stray helicopters until it is stopped in an epic battle with Godzilla."
O'Fee added: "Or possibly it's just a coincidence."
The September, 2001 disappearance of two jetliners and a number of buildings on the West Side of Manhattan is believed to be the result of an unrelated but equally mysterious phenomenon.
Disclaimer: This story probably isn't true, names have been changed, and any quotes are most likely made up.
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