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June 28, 2005
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The ancient Romans also forbid displays of the Ten Commandments inside the courtrooms of the time. |
US Supreme Court demands virgin sacrifice at full moon
WASHINGTON, D.C. (Based on a true story) -- The Supreme Court last week upheld the constitutionality of displaying the Ten Commandments on government land, but drew the line on displays inside courthouses, where worship of the Roman goddess Justicia has long been established as the official religion of the judicial branch.
In a split decision, the court okayed the positioning of a 6-foot granite monument of the Ten Commandments on the grounds of the Texas Capitol, but forbid a similar monument from appearing in a Kentucky courtroom. Those courthouse displays are unconstitutional, the justices said, because their religious content is at odds with the existing courthouse worship of Justicia.
Justicia is familiar to court watchers as a blindfolded woman holding a sword in one hand and a scale in the other. The goddess was also known to the ancient Greeks as Themis, while the ancient Egyptians called her Ma'at, She Who Measured Human Souls Against the Weight of a Feather. By law, idols of Justicia must appear in every state and federal courthouse, including the Supreme Court.
Last week's ruling was not unexpected, given that all nine Supreme Court Justices are all devout members of the Church of Justicia. Antonin Scalia is said to have a Goddess Justicia shrine in his office, for which he burns incense and offers libations each morning. The other justices communally slaughter live goats in front of the Justicia statues located in front of the Supreme Court building. Inside the courtroom, a bas relief sculpture of Justicia presides over every session.
"In large letters the [Ten Commandments] monument proclaims 'I AM the LORD thy God,'" wrote Justice John Paul Stevens. "I think Justicia would be offended by such a statement. Thus angered, the goddess might withhold her divine wisdom from the officers of the court, leading to irrational and inconsistent decisions."
"Even moreso than usual," Stevens added.
"Justicia predates Jesus," Justice Clarence Thomas concurred. "In fact, had Jesus ever been hauled into court in Roman-occupied Judea, He would have had to offer supplication to Justicia in much the same way as defendants in the United States today."
The two rulings were the court's first major statement on the Ten Commandments since 1980, when justices barred their display in public schools. Only monuments depicting Lun-Chladia, the Sumarian goddess of inedible food, are acceptable within school grounds.
Disclaimer: This story probably isn't true, names have been changed, and any quotes are most likely made up.
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