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July 12, 2005
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American Image 4.7 was popular in the 1950s, when it was portrayed by John Wayne in the film, "American Image 4.7 Cleans Up Dodge City". |
Bush Promotes American Image 7.0 Upgrade
In Scotland last week for the G8 summit, President Bush promoted an upgraded version of the American image abroad. "American Image Seven-Point-Oh marks an exciting new direction, with several features our overseas users have been requesting for some time now."
Bush then pulled back a velvet curtain to reveal a portrait of a man on a bicycle careening dangerously down a steep hill. "Meet the newest face we are presenting to the world."
After pausing to allow members of the media to snap photographs, Bush continued: "As you can see, American Image Seven holds a non-denominational Holy Book in his right hand and a science textbook in his left, demonstrating our twin commitments to faith and technology as well as a determination to keep the two a safe distance apart. While this prevents American Image Seven from using the handlebars of his bike, he relies on his superior sense of balance to stay safely on course.
"The bicycle represents a radical departure from American Image Six-Point-Three, which drove a gas-gulping SUV while eating a burger and talking on a mobile phone. Version Seven is all about being healthy and environmentally conscious, and gets its credibility from Lance Armstrong, an American, who might just be the greatest cyclist of all time. You'll notice that American Image Seven wears seven yellow Lance Armstrong rubber bracelets on each arm, and four more on each ankle."
"What is represented by the field of landmines through which the figure is riding?" asked a reporter from the BBC.
"Nothing of consequence," Bush replied. "Now, if I may draw your attention to the globe balanced on the figure's head. We're particularly proud of that feature, as it represents a profound interest in and knowledge about world affairs. From the genocidal carnage in Central Africa to the nuke-yoo-lar ambitions of Iraq and North Korea--or should I say, nuke-lee-ar?" Bush paused to allow for started reaction to the fact that he'd correctly pronounced that word for the first time in his presidency.
Bush then rolled up his sleeves to display an impressive collection of yellow bracelets. He grabbed two books from the podium, straddled his bike, and amid a chorus of cheers rode into the street where he immediately collided with a Scottish policeman.
"Ow!" the policeman shouted. "Stupid bloody Yanks, always with their bikes, never watching where they're going as they try to balance giant world globes on their heads."
"I feel our image improving already," said Bush.
The Real StoryGeorge W. Bush rode his bike into a Scottish police officer last week. I couldn't have invented that part of the story. Whether he was wearing an oversized world globe on his head at the time is a matter left out of traditional news reports.
While campaigning for president, Bush and Kerry were both involved in bicycle-related accidents (and Kerry also ran somebody over while snowboarding). Under the circumstances, I think it's valid to speculate as to how long it will be before the world starts seeing us as a nation of crazed bike enthusiasts and/or reckless snowboarders. This would mark a serious upgrade for our image around the world.
I did my part this weekend, biking over twenty miles on Cape Cod, and veering dangerously toward anyone who may have been a foreign tourist.
Disclaimer: This story probably isn't true, names have been changed, and any quotes are most likely made up.
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