July 15, 2005
Late Night Deconstruction: Week of July 3 - 9
Let's see a show of hands. How many of you have fallen asleep while watching Jay Leno, and then dreamt you were being chased by a giant chin?
July 14, 2005
Restaurant Wants Its Customers to Die
If you think the air in this restaurant is full of poisons, you should try the food.
July 13, 2005
Reporters Fear to Name "the Husband of Mrs. Karl Rove"
The secret source has been identified only as a man who lives in Karl Rove's house, is married to Karl Rove's wife, and drives a car registered to Karl Rove. We will bring you this man's full name as soon as we figure it out.
July 12, 2005
Bush Promotes American Image 7.0 Upgrade
American Image 4.7 was popular in the 1950s, when it was portrayed by John Wayne in the film, "American Image 4.7 Cleans Up Dodge City".
July 08, 2005
The Dead Root For Pittsburgh
In the case of the San Francisco 49ers, the dead fans have more life in them than the team.
July 07, 2005
Special Report: Terror Blasts in London
And so it goes. And so it goes.
Lazy Ad Agency: "Write Your Own Damn Slogan!"
And if you don't like it, you can write your own damn news story too!
July 06, 2005
All Photos of Ugly Girl Must Be Destroyed
I'd say the girl might be scarred for life by learning how ugly she is, but that would be redundant.
July 05, 2005
Eating Champ Consumes 49 Hotdogs and 17 Competitors
The man ate 15 pounds of hotdogs and two tons of people without gaining an ounce. Me, if I even look at a slice of bread I need to let my belt out three notches.
July 04, 2005
Live 8 Concerts End Poverty Forever
Halfway through REM's set, George W. Bush suddenly understood the benefits of debt forgiveness. Then he got distracted by a beach ball passing through the audience and lost his train of thought.
July 01, 2005
June 2005 Retractions
Statistically proving that June is as good of a month to screw up as any other.