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July 01, 2005
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Statistically proving that June is as good of a month to screw up as any other. |
June 2005 Retractions
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION (LWN Exclusive) -- Last month's LWN reports contained several small but embarrassing factual errors, misquotes, blunders, instances of sloppy writing, and intentional omissions. A professional news organization would explain and retract each of these, but we're just listing our top eight.
- In naming John D. O'Connor as the Watergate-era source previously known only as Deep Throat, we also revealed the identity of Big Arms, an informant destined to bring down the Schwarzenegger Administration in the Steroid Abuse Scandal of 2017. Since knowledge of future events may change them, we urge readers to pretend they never read any of that stuff.
- In our new code of ethics we did not mean to imply that we would go to jail to protect the identity of a confidential source. In fact, we would sell out any confidential source in exchange for laundry money, a shiny piece of metal, or a free sno-cone. Keep that in mind, Mr. Jason Bollinger of 53 Tulsa Lane.
- In an article about Comet Catalina, we stated that there was a small chance of a giant comet destroying all life on Earth in the year 2084. By "small chance" we meant a 97.3% likelihood, and the year 2084 on the Catalina calendar corresponds to next Friday here on Earth. Have a nice week!
- In a story about John Kerry's recently released Yale undergraduate transcript we failed to mention Kerry's four paper-cut related Purple Hearts. We also failed to mention that George Bush avoided paperwork at Yale by joining the Campus Guard and then failing to show up to scheduled meetings.
- In a report on the polarizing effect of musical tastes, we passed along erroneous information obtained from CNN. A subsequent informal survey shows that a surprising number of people do indeed have ambivalent feelings toward the rock group, Coldplay.
- In a story about the Michael Jackson verdict we implied that a "not guilty" verdict means a defendant is innocent of all charges. Actually, in a strictly linguistic sense, "not guilty" means not feeling bad about whatever horrible things you may have done.
- In a story about Mike Tyson, we portrayed the former champ as being mentally imbalanced and prone to biting his opponents. We stand by that assessment.
- In a story about the Supreme Court decision on the Ten Commandments, we failed to mention that the ruling relies on a Bush Administration proposal to add an eleventh, so-called "Definition of Marriage" Commandment.
We apologize for any inconvenience and/or deaths caused by our mistakes.
The Real StoryJune was the month in which we learned the identity of Deep Throat, the talkative porn star who destroyed an American presidency; we cheered as Mike Tyson hung up his gloves and removed his sharpened dentures; and we puzzled over Supreme Court decisions that said it's okay for Wal-Mart to take your house but wrong for courthouses to display the Ten Commandments.
Here at LWN, we debuted our first contributor-submitted material. Which means I can officially saw "we" instead of "I" when referring to "the writing staff". We also debuted a new Satirical Journalist Code of Ethics and introduced Lorna Swansong as our Entertainment Reporter.
In July we're looking to spin the site off to its own domain, marking yet another tiny step toward semi-professionalism.
Disclaimer: This story probably isn't true, names have been changed, and any quotes are most likely made up.
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