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July 04, 2005
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Halfway through REM's set, George W. Bush suddenly understood the benefits of debt forgiveness. Then he got distracted by a beach ball passing through the audience and lost his train of thought. |
Live 8 Concerts End Poverty Forever
In July of 2001, the leaders of the eight richest nations on Earth met at a G8 conference in Genoa, Italy. Together, they pledged $1.3 billion to fight AIDS, malaria, and tuberculosis in Africa. The health initiative, along with $100 billion in debt forgiveness and massive investment in third world technology and infrastructure, promised to improve life in some of the world's poorest countries.
In response, 300,000 protesters flocked to the city. "We were bored and had nothing better to do," said one of the crowd that destroyed property while causing hundreds of injuries and at least two deaths. Less than two months later came the attacks of 9/11, blamed in part on the so-called arrogance the United States demonstrated by providing poor countries with foreign aid, and in part on the lack of anything worth watching on Saudi Arabian television.
To avoid similar problems at this year's G8 conference, organizers obtained help from some of the world's most talented musicians plus Dave Matthews. Staged in ten major cities on four continents around the globe, Live 8 lured millions of protest-happy nutjobs away from Scotland, where the G8's important work will proceed without undue distraction.
"Two billion people listened in. Through their actions they spoke out in favor of free music as an alternative to tossing trashcans through the windows at McDonald's," said organizer Bob Geldof, who once fronted the phenomenally popular Boomtown Rats. Helping Geldof on administrative tasks was some guy named Bo No from a political organization called You Too.
The concerts were an almost unqualified success, except for sparse attendance in Philadelphia, where music fans were driven away by fears that talentless headliner Dave Matthews would dump raw sewage on their heads as he recently did in Chicago.
British Prime Minister Tony Blair gave the concerts a big thumbs-up. "It seems we've seriously underestimated the power of music to keep the masses complacent." Blair then announced a new program to give away iPods in support of the war in Iraq.
"It's a shame we didn't think to hold concerts like these twenty years ago," said Geldof. "If we had, world poverty would surely be history by now."
Disclaimer: This story probably isn't true, names have been changed, and any quotes are most likely made up.
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Comments
Hey... isn't this *this* week's news? What's up with that?
Posted by: MasonK ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://gfishbone.com/lwn/nav-commenters.gif)
at July 4, 2005 12:51 PM
Um... I'm psychic after the fact?
Posted by: tem2 at July 4, 2005 01:37 PM