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July 08, 2005
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In the case of the San Francisco 49ers, the dead fans have more life in them than the team. |
The Dead Root For Pittsburgh
PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania -- In some cities, football viewership falls off sharply after death. Not so in Pittsburgh, where the Steelers have more dead fans than any other team in the NFL. Take for example John Harvey Smoot.
Smoot was discovered dead in his living room last Thursday, watching a repeating loop of highlights from the 2002 season. Morticians were unable to remove the TV remote from his death-stiffened fingers and were likewise unable to pry the 55-year-old's corpse from his favorite reclining chair. The family opted to leave Smoot where he was and refer the matter to a competent taxidermist.
"I haven't even been able to turn off the TV," said Smoot's widow, Wanda. "When I tried, John's body made this horrible groaning noise. I know it's just his internal organs settling into a new position, but I'd rather not be eternally haunted by his spirit because I turned off his beloved Steelers."
Mrs. Smoot added: "I've also been sure to constantly replenish John's supply of beer, chips, and bratwurst."
Smoot's two sons are already making arrangements for their father, a season ticket holder, to posthumously attend games in the fall. "We'll have him with us at the tailgate party. Come December, everyone else's skin will be blue from the cold, so Dad won't stand out at all."
"We're happy to accommodate a lifelong-plus fan," said a team spokesman. "However, health regulations forbid us from allowing dead bodies to mingle with the living spectators. If he insists on coming, he'll have to sit in the specially designated corpse section with all the other stiffs."
Smoot's doctors say he likely died at least six or seven months ago, but only recently did the body's smell become bad enough for anyone to notice a difference.
The Real StoryThis man's corpse really was propped up in a recliner facing a TV showing an endless loop of Steeler highlights, but only for the viewing. He was later buried in a traditional coffin. Still, I like to think that if given the choice he'd have wanted to hang around for another season or two. I've changed his name but not his city, out of respect for both his privacy and team loyalty.
I once worked with a guy who wanted to be stuffed and made into a coat rack after he died. "I want to still be useful," he told us.
Not me. I just want to be shot into space.
Disclaimer: This story probably isn't true, names have been changed, and any quotes are most likely made up.
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