| It's not enough to merely have a life, or to merely have a style. These days people need both. |
July 14, 2005
Restaurant Wants Its Customers to Die
If you think the air in this restaurant is full of poisons, you should try the food.
July 05, 2005
Eating Champ Consumes 49 Hotdogs and 17 Competitors
The man ate 15 pounds of hotdogs and two tons of people without gaining an ounce. Me, if I even look at a slice of bread I need to let my belt out three notches.
June 28, 2005
US Supreme Court demands virgin sacrifice at full moon
The ancient Romans also forbid displays of the Ten Commandments inside the courtrooms of the time.
June 27, 2005
Cowardly stranger-phobic Utah boy rescued
When I was that age, my father also taught me not to talk to strangers. Talking makes it that much harder to steal their wallets.
June 24, 2005
Saddam Hussein tortured with clean underwear and Froot Loops
Saddam got to know his young American guards and even offered dating advice. His upcoming advice column, "Ask a Deposed Iraqi Dictator," will be syndicated in 350 newspapers worldwide.
June 22, 2005
Mike Tyson really bites
When Mike Tyson was two years old and biting the ears off his favorite teddy bear, his parents thought the boy might be teething. "No, I'm therious," Tyson corrected them.
June 21, 2005
Two helicopters disappear into mysterious East River Triangle
The East River Triangle is similar to the famed Bermuda Triangle, but not as much fun to swim in.
June 15, 2005
Adopted man learns he is a demonic prince
Strangely enough, Damien Smith's fifth grade teacher always suspected the boy was half demon.
June 14, 2005
Hidden dangers associated with giant steps, walking on the Moon
In addition to sudden proton storms, other dangers of walking on the Moon include inadequate sunscreen, a lack of oxygen, and spontaneous Sting concerts.
June 10, 2005
College records reveal Kerry and Bush the same person
Kerry's perceived intellectual edge lost him votes from all the people who like to feel like they know more about how to run the free world than the leader of the free world.
May 30, 2005
Old lady abuses 911 -- 20 times!
This unfortunate incident could have been avoided if the emergency speed-dial button was programmed to call a pizzeria.
May 25, 2005
Sith Spoilers #3 of 5
Episode III was the best Star Wars movie yet. I can't wait to see what they come up with for Episode IV!
May 20, 2005
Live fast, leave a nicely dressed corpse
If you want to destroy my sweater, just hold this string as I jump off the Eiffel Tower...
May 19, 2005
There's a new rat on the menu
Scientists at first believed the newly discovered species to be rare, but have since discovered medium rare or well done varieties.
May 12, 2005
It's bacon!
LWN does not accept product samples in exchange for positive reviews. We demand cold hard cash.
May 10, 2005
North Korea builds national swimming pool
North Korean ruler Kim Jong Il is reportedly building the $60 million pool as an excuse to wear swim goggles in public.
May 06, 2005
Brownie packaging puzzles, mortifies
The product's "edible baby" logo tested well among a focus group of trolls and goblins.
May 05, 2005
Runaway Bride to try again
Runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks is said to be contemplating endorsement offers from Nike, Gatorade, and new Wedding Jitters antiperspirant.
April 29, 2005
Seeya later, aligator
To put this animal's massive size in perspective, a two-thousand pound crocodile is larger than 39 fifty-pound elephants and a toy poodle.
April 27, 2005
How big is the new Airbus A380 megajumbo jet?
The enormous jet then collapsed under the weight of its own gravity, forming a singularity.
April 22, 2005
Government unveils edible food pyramids
Looking at the Food Pyramid made me hungry, but thankfully there was a hotdog stand nearby.
April 19, 2005
The Burger King's phat new sandwich
For patrons unable to open their jaws wide enough to eat Burger King's new Enormous Omelet Sandwich, the item will also come in a suppository form.
April 18, 2005
Colorado detectors save lives
Colorado detectors also prevent snow and block reruns of the Boulder-based TV series "Mork & Mindy."
April 14, 2005
Car runs on air, news network runs on petrochemical ads
The only drawback of a car that runs on air is having to blow it up again every 500 feet.
April 13, 2005
Apple Jack life-cycle enters new phase
In a related story, the marshmallow bits in Lucky Charms don't taste anything like orange stars, blue moons, green clovers, or purple horseshoes.
April 06, 2005
Protests erupt outside volcano film screening
Responding to the demand for creationist-friendly IMAX films, Mel Gibson will be producing The Passion of Isaac Newton.
April 05, 2005
Why yes, we are still bitter
The law school hiring committee apparently confused former senator John Edwards with the famous TV psychic.
March 31, 2005
Dating in the Zeroes - Part 4 of 4
In previous decades we had cool things like sock hops, disco balls, and mosh pits. The future promises sexbots, zero-G romps, and the million-mile-high club. Today's singles were clearly born in the wrong decade.
March 30, 2005
Dating in the Zeroes - Part 3 of 4
With texting, email, blogs, and picture phones, there are more ways to be rejected and humiliated today than ever before.
March 29, 2005
Dating in the Zeroes - Part 2 of 4
After a month of "hooking up" it's time for the next step--asking him what his name is.
March 28, 2005
Dating in the Zeroes - Part 1 of 4
I'm looking forward to doing a field report, getting out from behind this desk, and finding out whether or not I actually have legs.
March 25, 2005
Pitch Meeting: Dating in the Zeroes
It's hard to remember when I had my last real date, but it involved a treehouse and a spinning bottle.
March 22, 2005
Smells like holy spirit
Thus answering the question, WWJSMIHWMOWAB: What would Jesus smell like if he were made of wax and burned?
March 17, 2005
E: All of the above
The new essay section of the SAT will test whether students can write without adding LOL or :-) after each sentence.
March 16, 2005
Tabbies to get a ten second head start
During the proposed cat-hunting season, hunters would set out bowls of milk and make mewling sounds from behind a tree.
March 10, 2005
Like being an army of one, without the army
As the only resident in town, Elsie Eisler had to arrest herself for violating the law she'd passed about refusing to pay herself an overdue fine in the library she runs.