| People. You can't live with them, but if you shoot them they'll send you away. |
July 12, 2005
Bush Promotes American Image 7.0 Upgrade
American Image 4.7 was popular in the 1950s, when it was portrayed by John Wayne in the film, "American Image 4.7 Cleans Up Dodge City".
July 08, 2005
The Dead Root For Pittsburgh
In the case of the San Francisco 49ers, the dead fans have more life in them than the team.
June 24, 2005
Saddam Hussein tortured with clean underwear and Froot Loops
Saddam got to know his young American guards and even offered dating advice. His upcoming advice column, "Ask a Deposed Iraqi Dictator," will be syndicated in 350 newspapers worldwide.
June 23, 2005
CIA chief too busy to catch bin Laden
Other secrets Porter Goss has been meaning to tell include the whereabouts of Jimmy Hoffa, the true assassin of John F. Kennedy, and the secret formula for Coca Cola.
June 20, 2005
LWN apologizes to Michael Jackson
FYI, this isn't a real LWN staff meeting. It's a transcript-based reinactment on the E! entertainment network.
June 17, 2005
Terri Schiavo's parents disregard autopsy report, remain hopeful
Sometimes a news story just won't die. Even when you unplug the news feeds, it just lingers on and on and on...
June 15, 2005
Adopted man learns he is a demonic prince
Strangely enough, Damien Smith's fifth grade teacher always suspected the boy was half demon.
June 13, 2005
Michael Jackson programs a computer virus
Michael Jackson's computer virus only infects operating systems that are between eight and twelve years old.
June 09, 2005
Jail prepped for Jackson
Michael Jackson's request to serve his sentence in juvenile prison was declined.
June 08, 2005
Ambivalence toward Coldplay physically impossible
Liam Gallagher refused to talk to us about 'X&Y,' insisting that we'd once again confused Coldplay with Oasis. What a kidder!
June 07, 2005
The Future of Comet Catalina
I'll have a supersized glass of destruction, please. With extra ice!
June 03, 2005
Deep Throat comes clean, now that most people no longer care
New methods of tonsil-based identification meant the end of Deep Throat's secret identity.
May 20, 2005
Live fast, leave a nicely dressed corpse
If you want to destroy my sweater, just hold this string as I jump off the Eiffel Tower...
May 05, 2005
Runaway Bride to try again
Runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks is said to be contemplating endorsement offers from Nike, Gatorade, and new Wedding Jitters antiperspirant.
April 21, 2005
Future king's past wife haunts fairytale wedding
And so, the aging big-eared prince kissed the adulterous divorcee and turned her into a princess. And they lived happily ever after, the end.
April 19, 2005
The Burger King's phat new sandwich
For patrons unable to open their jaws wide enough to eat Burger King's new Enormous Omelet Sandwich, the item will also come in a suppository form.
April 07, 2005
Prosecutor: "Blake is a bad man and the jury's a bunch of doody-heads"
Have you heard the one about the stupid jury? They had to invite an alternate into the deliberation room in order to count to thirteen!
March 15, 2005
Dave Matthews dumps on fans
Poo dumped from the Dave Matthews Band tour bus is certified organic, gluten-free, soy-based, and contains no genetically modified organisms.
March 10, 2005
Like being an army of one, without the army
As the only resident in town, Elsie Eisler had to arrest herself for violating the law she'd passed about refusing to pay herself an overdue fine in the library she runs.
March 08, 2005
Disappointment for "Million Dollar Baby"
I didn't actually see "Catwoman", but with a former Academy Award winner in the title role I was surprised it didn't at least get nominated.
March 07, 2005
Gigantic sea critter dies
War hero, moonshine bootlegger, crustacean. Bubba the Lobster was all these things and more...