| All politics is loco, and here's your proof. |
July 14, 2005
Restaurant Wants Its Customers to Die
If you think the air in this restaurant is full of poisons, you should try the food.
July 13, 2005
Reporters Fear to Name "the Husband of Mrs. Karl Rove"
The secret source has been identified only as a man who lives in Karl Rove's house, is married to Karl Rove's wife, and drives a car registered to Karl Rove. We will bring you this man's full name as soon as we figure it out.
July 12, 2005
Bush Promotes American Image 7.0 Upgrade
American Image 4.7 was popular in the 1950s, when it was portrayed by John Wayne in the film, "American Image 4.7 Cleans Up Dodge City".
July 04, 2005
Live 8 Concerts End Poverty Forever
Halfway through REM's set, George W. Bush suddenly understood the benefits of debt forgiveness. Then he got distracted by a beach ball passing through the audience and lost his train of thought.
June 29, 2005
Retailers jump on Grokster ruling, blame everyone for customer thefts
Under Wal-Mart's interpretation of the Grokster ruling, anyone who helps a shoplifter is themselves a shoplifter.
June 28, 2005
US Supreme Court demands virgin sacrifice at full moon
The ancient Romans also forbid displays of the Ten Commandments inside the courtrooms of the time.
June 24, 2005
Saddam Hussein tortured with clean underwear and Froot Loops
Saddam got to know his young American guards and even offered dating advice. His upcoming advice column, "Ask a Deposed Iraqi Dictator," will be syndicated in 350 newspapers worldwide.
June 23, 2005
CIA chief too busy to catch bin Laden
Other secrets Porter Goss has been meaning to tell include the whereabouts of Jimmy Hoffa, the true assassin of John F. Kennedy, and the secret formula for Coca Cola.
June 17, 2005
Terri Schiavo's parents disregard autopsy report, remain hopeful
Sometimes a news story just won't die. Even when you unplug the news feeds, it just lingers on and on and on...
June 10, 2005
College records reveal Kerry and Bush the same person
Kerry's perceived intellectual edge lost him votes from all the people who like to feel like they know more about how to run the free world than the leader of the free world.
June 09, 2005
Jail prepped for Jackson
Michael Jackson's request to serve his sentence in juvenile prison was declined.
June 03, 2005
Deep Throat comes clean, now that most people no longer care
New methods of tonsil-based identification meant the end of Deep Throat's secret identity.
June 02, 2005
LWN refuses to identify anonymous source as Jason Bollinger
Ed's so dumb, he thinks an anonymous source is something you put on spaghetti.
May 30, 2005
Old lady abuses 911 -- 20 times!
This unfortunate incident could have been avoided if the emergency speed-dial button was programmed to call a pizzeria.
May 11, 2005
Terror wears a dress
It seems that al-Qaeda also has a "don't ask, don't tell" recruitment policy.
May 10, 2005
North Korea builds national swimming pool
North Korean ruler Kim Jong Il is reportedly building the $60 million pool as an excuse to wear swim goggles in public.
April 22, 2005
Government unveils edible food pyramids
Looking at the Food Pyramid made me hungry, but thankfully there was a hotdog stand nearby.
April 07, 2005
Prosecutor: "Blake is a bad man and the jury's a bunch of doody-heads"
Have you heard the one about the stupid jury? They had to invite an alternate into the deliberation room in order to count to thirteen!
April 05, 2005
Why yes, we are still bitter
The law school hiring committee apparently confused former senator John Edwards with the famous TV psychic.
March 23, 2005
For $50 more, a virtual champagne christening ceremony!
The high bidder plans to name the cruise ship "Tonsil Fungus" after his favorite garage band. A disappointed runner-up wanted to call it "The S.S. George W. Bush Laughs Like Muttley."
March 16, 2005
Tabbies to get a ten second head start
During the proposed cat-hunting season, hunters would set out bowls of milk and make mewling sounds from behind a tree.
March 11, 2005
Head spook loses it
After a cup of herbal tea and a nice hot soak, CIA Director Porter Goss finally felt relaxed enough to brief the President on North Korea.