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July 15, 2005
Late Night Deconstruction: Week of July 3 - 9
Let's see a show of hands. How many of you have fallen asleep while watching Jay Leno, and then dreamt you were being chased by a giant chin?
July 04, 2005
Live 8 Concerts End Poverty Forever
Halfway through REM's set, George W. Bush suddenly understood the benefits of debt forgiveness. Then he got distracted by a beach ball passing through the audience and lost his train of thought.
June 30, 2005
Lorna Swansong, Entertainment Reporter
Let me tell you something about Baby Moffet. I know Baby Moffet. I was Baby Moffet. And Thamantha Thmithee...you're no Baby Moffet!
June 20, 2005
LWN apologizes to Michael Jackson
FYI, this isn't a real LWN staff meeting. It's a transcript-based reinactment on the E! entertainment network.
June 13, 2005
Michael Jackson programs a computer virus
Michael Jackson's computer virus only infects operating systems that are between eight and twelve years old.
June 09, 2005
Jail prepped for Jackson
Michael Jackson's request to serve his sentence in juvenile prison was declined.
June 08, 2005
Ambivalence toward Coldplay physically impossible
Liam Gallagher refused to talk to us about 'X&Y,' insisting that we'd once again confused Coldplay with Oasis. What a kidder!
May 27, 2005
Sith Spoilers #5 of 5
A major surprise in Episode III was the crossover of the Star Wars universe with Transformers, as represented by General Grievous, a Decepticon who transforms from a Ford Explorer into a robotic mantis.
May 26, 2005
Sith Spoilers #4 of 5
Now that the Star Wars movie series is over, the action will move to the small screen. Look for Yoda to become a regular on "CSI: Miami," and watch C3PO as a judge on the next "American Idol."
May 25, 2005
Sith Spoilers #3 of 5
Episode III was the best Star Wars movie yet. I can't wait to see what they come up with for Episode IV!
May 24, 2005
Sith Spoilers #2 of 5
Portrayed in the movies by four physical actors plus one voice actor, Darth Vader is clearly either a Time Lord or a British secret agent.
May 23, 2005
Sith Spoilers #1 of 5
George Lucas has announced a prequel trilogy to his prequel trilogy. Episode Negative Two: Dance of the Wookies will open in 2007, with Episode Negative One: Indigestion of the Hutt and Episode Zero: Status Quo of the Republic to follow.
May 18, 2005
Gift to Trek fans: "Enterprise" never happened
My favorite part was when Captain Archer turned to that invisible guy and said, "Al, why haven't I leaped yet?" and the invisible guy replied, "Ziggy says there's a 98% chance you're here to destroy Star Trek."
April 25, 2005
IKEA criticized for male-only comics
Opening of the new IKEA was delayed until workers could locate a 30-ton Allen wrench.
April 20, 2005
Anonymous donations puzzle local museums
The museum also found a Jackson Pollack-inspired installation in the media of feces and urine had been donated to one of the walls in the 3rd floor women's restroom. It is being appraised by a local auction house.
April 06, 2005
Protests erupt outside volcano film screening
Responding to the demand for creationist-friendly IMAX films, Mel Gibson will be producing The Passion of Isaac Newton.
March 31, 2005
Dating in the Zeroes - Part 4 of 4
In previous decades we had cool things like sock hops, disco balls, and mosh pits. The future promises sexbots, zero-G romps, and the million-mile-high club. Today's singles were clearly born in the wrong decade.
March 30, 2005
Dating in the Zeroes - Part 3 of 4
With texting, email, blogs, and picture phones, there are more ways to be rejected and humiliated today than ever before.
March 29, 2005
Dating in the Zeroes - Part 2 of 4
After a month of "hooking up" it's time for the next step--asking him what his name is.
March 28, 2005
Dating in the Zeroes - Part 1 of 4
I'm looking forward to doing a field report, getting out from behind this desk, and finding out whether or not I actually have legs.
March 23, 2005
For $50 more, a virtual champagne christening ceremony!
The high bidder plans to name the cruise ship "Tonsil Fungus" after his favorite garage band. A disappointed runner-up wanted to call it "The S.S. George W. Bush Laughs Like Muttley."
March 15, 2005
Dave Matthews dumps on fans
Poo dumped from the Dave Matthews Band tour bus is certified organic, gluten-free, soy-based, and contains no genetically modified organisms.
March 10, 2005
Like being an army of one, without the army
As the only resident in town, Elsie Eisler had to arrest herself for violating the law she'd passed about refusing to pay herself an overdue fine in the library she runs.
March 08, 2005
Disappointment for "Million Dollar Baby"
I didn't actually see "Catwoman", but with a former Academy Award winner in the title role I was surprised it didn't at least get nominated.